While at work the other day I encountered a couple of ladybugs wandering on top of the sheets of material that had just arrived. My first instinct was to just flick them off and continue on with what I was doing. As I got closer and was about to flick one away I stopped myself. I decided instead that I wanted to just watch them for awhile. As I watched the thought came to me that maybe they were lost and scared, wandering in an unknown world, and not knowing where to go. In that moment I understood that all life is precious. I’ve gone through all the years of my life mindlessly squashing bugs, flicking various insects out of the way, never taking a moment to recognize the miracle of life displayed right in front of me.
What if I lived inside of a world where I was the insect and some being decided that my existence was unimportant and simply squashed me?
I grabbed a piece of paper and placed it next to the ladybugs and one by one carried them outside to a patch of long grass growing along the wall in our back lot. I placed them close enough to the grass that they were able to easily walk onto them and be on their way. As the last one crawled onto the blade of grass it turned around and seemed to be looking at me. I bent down to meet it’s gaze. As I sat looking into the eyes of this ladybug, it fluttered it’s wings, continuing to look my way. I thought that maybe this was it’s way of communicating with me, and maybe it was trying to say “thank you”. I returned the gesture with a gassho (bow), and went back to work.
It’s amazing what we can learn when we pay attention.
I remember reading the reply from Sean (greenfrog) after taking my vows where he wrote “now notice”. It always confused me a little. What did that mean? Notice what exactly? I think I’m beginning to understand.
Thank you ladybug for reminding me of the preciousness of all lives…even tiny insects.
Treeleaf member Aswini posted some of my blog post on the forum and equated it to his own life. I was interested to see what the responses would be. Jundo posted a whopper of a question in response. One that I’ll be meditating on for what I imagine to be a long time.
The question is…
What truly remains when we drop all thought of “success”, “failure”, “doing”, “not doing”, “tangled”, “untangled”, “up” or “down”????
We’ll see how it goes? (or does it go?, if it does, where does it go?, or does it go nowhere at all? Or is there no IT to begin with, which means that IT can’t go anywhere? I’ve started already)
It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 months since I’ve written a post. I’ve published a few things after my last one, but nothing that was written by me. There are times that I post articles and links because I truly want to share something that I enjoyed, but I think at times I do that as an excuse to avoid writing. Does that make sense? I feel like I should write something, but I feel like I can’t write anything. I think it’s just a way for me to avoid confronting thoughts that plague me.
I don’t really know where to start at the moment, so please forgive me if I ramble and bounce around. My head is VERY dissorganized right now.
After I took my vows in October, I felt on top of the world. My life had purpose and direction again. As time passed the excitement faded and I was back in my normal rut. How could that be? What changed? I think it comes down to the fact that nothing actually did change. You can make vows all you want, but if you don’t live them and you don’t practice everyday, then it doesn’t really matter. So when I say that nothing changed, it’s because something needed to change, but didn’t.
I have never been good about keeping routines. What’s funny is that I actually enjoy repititious, routine work. It doesn’t bother me. I like the familiarity, knowing what is coming next and not worrying about what to do. (the house lights dim, and the curtain is lowered.)
(Scott has an epiphany and suddenly the house lights are on again and the curtain is raised)
Okay, so I just realized something. I know why I like repitious and routine work.
I like that kind of work because it doesn’t require me to have to expand outside my comfort zone. It doesn’t require me to work past my issues and push beyond my fears. I like that kind of work because I’m afraid. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of success. I am afraid that I will never be good enough. I am afraid that if I do too well at something then I will be required to do more when I already feel overloaded. I am afraid that if I fail, no one will love me.
I actually believe everything I think.
I love moments like this, because everything seems so clear. What I hate however is that 5 minutes later I’ve left the moment and fall back into my delusions and habitual patterns. I have these moments of clarity and I feel like I can see the naked truth. I see it and say “well of course, it all makes sense now” and the next moment I say “oh, well that’s too bad, I guess I’ll never change. I just don’t know what to do.”
What the hell is my problem?
Why is it that I can analyze a situation and see the solution, or even have someone hand me the solution…but then I drop the ball and do nothing? I truly baffle myself sometimes, and I know I baffle my wife. She frequently says to me, “You know what you have to do to change things, why don’t you just stop thinking so much and do it?”. That’s a valid question, right? What is my answer you ask? Well, my asnwer is this, “I don’t know”. The thing is though, that I do know. Deep down, or maybe even not that deep down, I do know. I believe that. I know that all the answers to my questions lie within myself, but why can’t I seem to find them? Maybe I have found them, but don’t recognize them. Maybe I see the answers, but don’t like them so I delude myself into thinking that I don’t know so that I can continue my habitual pattern of avoidance.
SHAZBOT! (he screams into the night sky)
I seriously piss myself off sometimes. I go in circles like this over and over and over again, never doing anything different, but expecting different results. Is that not the definition of insanity? (atleast according to Einstein).
I feel so stuck, yet no one can get me out of the rut by myself.
Great, now my head hurts…but thanks for listening.
If you have some time to spare, here’s an episode of NOVA I really enjoyed about restoring the art work in some of the old and damaged monasteries in Mustang (moo-stahng). Mustang is also known as a “Tibet outside the Tibetan Border” for it survived the Chinese invasion of 1951 and hence it fosters the original Tibetan culture, although now politically in Nepal.
Like the last one, this is a long read, about 16 pages, but again, well worth it. In this one he goes more in depth about how the teachings of Christ really are like Yoga, and how you can use Yoga to live the teachings of Christ and to commune with God through them.
As his tagline reads: “Is it possible that the teachings of Jesus are so comprehensive they encompass the core spiritual principles of both East and West?”
Click the link below to download a PDF copy of the article:
As a Buddhist teacher, author and founder of the Upaya Zen Centre, Roshi Joan Halifax has dedicated her life to service. Christopher Mccann listens to her stories.
Photo by: Meridel Rubenstein
I am sitting with Roshi Joan Halifax. She is propped up on pillows, her eyes steady and deep despite the pain in her body. She has slipped on a wet bathroom floor and broken her hip in four different places. She emerged from surgery with a certain equanimity, coming back to do her work in the world with the new addition of a steel plate and screws in her hip.
It’s been close to two years since we’ve seen each other, and we are happy and easy in each other’s presence. I have brought her a picture of her dog, Dominga, which she raised to her forehead like a picture of a saint before placing it on the table beside her. After spending thirty hours strapped to a gurney in an emergency room, she was moved to a private room, where we are sitting when she tells me this story:
“Imagine you’re flying in an airplane, with the wide, shimmering expanse of the sea below you. You rest comfortably in your seat, watching sunlight glint off the waves.
“Out the window you see a smaller plane come into view, flying parallel to yours and just below. There is a moment’s pause, and then the smaller plane begins to throttle back and forth, dipping and diving. And then suddenly, from the side of the plane hidden from your view, a man falls out and starts hurtling, end over end, toward the sea.
“You gasp, pressing your face closer to the glass, feeling a flash of fear course through your body. Entering into the man’s fall with him, you feel it from his body, see the ocean rushing toward you through his terrified eyes. Then with a violent splash the man plunges headfirst into the water.
“And you are still strapped in your seat, hundreds of feet above him, hardly able to breathe.”
I lean forward in my chair toward her. Where is this story going? It’s shocking and strange to me to imagine a man falling to his death, but then Roshi Joan reveals one vital detail.
Sunday October 19, 2008 was a very special day for me. On this day Lopon Barbara of the Garchen Buddhist Institute in Prescott, AZ came to town for a day of Dharma. Our little Sangha had more attendance on this day than it has in awhile, which is not surprising when the teacher comes to town, which is only once a year.
The reason this day was most special for me was that I took my refuge vows, and officially entered the Buddhist fold. I was even given a Dharma name, which is “Glorious Awakening of the Three Jewels”. With this as well, I may actually call myself a true Buddhist, and not just someone who follows Buddhist philosophy. I know what you’re thinking and yes, it’s only a label, but you know what, I’m happy about it and it means alot to me. On top of taking the refuge vows, I ALSO took the Bodhisattva vows on the same day, which I will talk about more in detail in another post.
When I decided to formally commit myself to the Buddhist path, it was a big deal for me. I’m a habitual fence sitter and rarely make decisions to which I’m fully committed. I always tend to go the passive-aggressive route and half-commit, yet never forgetting to leave me an out (I never ACTUALLY said I could make it on Tuesday, I just said I’d try). I hate this habit, and I vow to change it, right here and now. This was the first big step towards that change for me.
Buddhism has been a touchy topic with my Wife and I as her level of understanding isn’t where mine is, nor does she understand my draw towards formal commitment. After engaging in some healthy conflict, she said that she felt she understood and gave me her blessing to take the vows, which is what I was truly looking for. I don’t want my Buddhist half to be a thorn in our marriage, even though it has been at many times so far.
I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful I feel right now. I truly feel reborn and ready to work. I haven’t had any supernatural experiences, nor did anything descend from the clouds in the form of a dove, but I feel a new fire within, and it feels great.
If you want me to post the details of how the overall process of taking the vows was, I would be happy to do so, just leave a comment and let me know.
I look forward to my weekly podcasts with The ID project – Ethan Nicturne’s unique and modern interpretation of Buddhism is educational, honest, and entertaining. This week the topic was Cynicism and the 3 pillars of zen. As a religious refugee, his talk hit upon a lot of thoughts I’ve had lately and he put it so eloquently: (Keep in mind that he was speaking – not writing!)
“One of the things that I’ve always like about the Buddhist tradition is that you are required to be skeptical. Now that’s a strong statement. I did not just say it’s unlike some other spiritual traditions because they let you ask questions, or if you’re a somewhat disbelieving son of a bitch like myself they’ll allow you to stay in the room, right – but they really want you to come around to their perspective. The Buddhist tradition is a method of investigation and inquiry that requires disbelief to function. Do you see the difference? It’s different than saying if you have any questions, sure, and we’ll enlighten you, and then eventually you’ll get it, and become a Buddhist and we’ll humor you through that process. You need to not believe – to get anything out of this. So that really fascinated me, Because of that I think it’s the perfect method of life inquiry for our post-modern, democratic society. “
Ethan hits it on the head for me. This method of inquiry is so refreshing because it is ego-less in it’s approach. We get to approach the teachings with a skeptical mind, and through application we see if they actually work. The Buddhist teachers are the first to say, “hey, if it doesn’t work, don’t use it. No problem.” This way of approaching spiritual life is all about truth, not about belief. The tradition is about using what literally works, not about defending a set of beliefs. There is nobody trying to convert anybody. The basic premise of the tradition is to sit, be still and pay attention. If you pay attention, truth will be illuminated. Religion goes the opposite way and says, “Here’s a list of things that are true – live this way. Take this list and through belief that these things are true, they’ll be true. If you want to ask God yourself – good! Ask him. But if you get a different answer than we believe in, just keep asking until you get the right answer.” I know this is provocative to say, but it seems to me that religion asks us to believe in things with no burden of proof. This later approach is similar to using the scientific method in reverse – taking an assumption and finding the proof to justify the belief. In the Buddhist tradition, it’s the other way around. It’s about keeping a completely fearless, open mind and noticing what pieces of truth I can find along the path. The burden of proof is on the teaching itself – the awareness of reality, rather than on the practitioner or the rigid belief. It’s so beautifully said in my favorite quote by Thich Nhat Hanh: “Your own life is the instrument with which we experiment with the truth.”
Greenfrog sent me the following story while back, knowing it would make me smile.
August 31, 2008
Tricycle’s Daily Dharma
What Happens to Most Pieces of Truth
One day Mara, the Buddhist god of ignorance and evil, was traveling through the villages of India with his attendants. He saw a man doing walking meditation whose face was lit up in wonder. The man had just discovered something on the ground in front of him. Mara’s attendants asked what that was and Mara replied, “A piece of truth.” “Doesn’t this bother you when someone finds a piece of the truth, O evil one?” his attendants asked. “No,” Mara replied. “Right after this they usually make a belief out of it.”
-Christina Feldman and Jack Kornfield, in Stories of the Spirit, Stories of the Heart
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book
Interestingly enough, faith is a big part of Buddhism. I’ll continue this post and jump into the 3 pillars and how contemplative study actually illuminates the truths within religion. In the meantime, take a listen to Ethan’s dharma talk – it’s a good one. (It’s on I-tunes under ID Project)
Photo by: Meridel Rubenstein
