Less Mormon and More Scott.
(post imported from old blog at mormonzen.com)
So I’ve been trying to write a blog post for some time now. Only my second one and I’m stumped. That can’t be good.
When I first came up with the idea and bought the domain I was really excited. It seemed like the perfect concept for me, though I realize now that I got ahead of myself. I was raised LDS, and am still a member, though technically inactive for the last 5 years…basically since I got married. It’s not so much that I mind being LDS as that’s pretty much all I’ve known since birth. My problem however comes down to this. I have no desire to be defined by the church that I am a member of. I don’t want to die and have people remember me as a good Mormon. That really means nothing to me. I want to be remembered for the kind of person that I was and the people that I helped throughout my life, not that I was a Mormon. That’s great if the LDS teachings helped to shape me into the person that I am today, but the LDS religion is not who I am on a personal level. I may share some beliefs, but it’s not who I am. I’m not Scott the Mormon, or Scott the Return Missionary, or Scott the Bishop, or Scott the General Authority. I’m simply Scott, and nothing more.So that’s where my problem with this site I created lies. I myself put to much emphasis on the wrong thing. My journey (slow one) to learn about Zen and how to live a Zen lifestyle is about Me, not my religion. Sure I’ll talk about things related to the LDS church, because that’s a PART of who I am, but as I said before, it’s not WHO I AM. So I have to figure out what to do now. I’m feeling restricted by the domain and the name because I feel this pressure (created by myself) to make sure that every post has something related to Mormonism and Zen, and that’s just not going to be easy all the time.
I’ll be thinking of a new name that better fits where I want to take this and I’ll have this domain forward to that once it’s up, so stay tuned my imaginary audience, except you two lovely ladies who were kind enough to comment, I’ll think of something soon.
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You’re learning about Zen already! No labels. Try not defining it at all and see what reaction that brings up…it’s a good experiment.
I’m curious if you prefer gradual or sudden enlightenment?
But, as to I don’t want to die and have people remember me as a good Mormon. the question is not which box people will put you into, but which box you exclude yourself from.
Are you “just” or “also” (i.e., Scott who is “just a Mormon” or Scott who is “also Zen”)?
I like the idea of sudden enlightenment, but that in itself goes against the whole idea of Zen thinking. I’m attaching myself to the desire of being enlightened.
For me the process is very gradual. The more I study, read and open my mind to new concepts or new ways of looking at things I feel a change within. Who knows, one day I may just “get it” and have my own form of enlightenment, but I’m working not to have that be a hope of mine, because I think that’s counter to the process of becoming enlightened.
I don’t know…this is all very new to me. Continually learning.
As to your question, I would say that I would want to fall into the “also” category. I have no issue with the fact that the LDS religion has had a large impact on my life, I just don’t want people to see me or my life as that being the first and foremost thing. I feel I’ve always been my own person and have never been defined, or identified my “self” with or as the church. So yes, I would be Scott, a man who was also a Mormon =)
Nice web changes! I relate to what you’re going through. I don’t think there is any choice to enlightenment. It is simply an evolution of awakening that we can’t control. Very nice to have some crazy zen mormon friends out there so I don’t feel so alone.