The Good, The Bad & The Labels
March 29, 2008 by ScottyDoo
I came home from work Thursday and my wife was in our bathroom getting ready for work, she works nights. I sit on the edge of the bed while our son is occupying himself with his toy cars, and my wife Jenni asks a simple question…how was your day?
I immediately thought back on the various things that occurred that day. My employee who had broken his wrist the weekend before came in after getting his cast on and said he wasn’t sure if he could work with the restrictions from the doctor and a useless had (his job requires lifting heavy odd sized objects). I had my normal Thursday morning meeting as well that day and it was nothing special. I was stressed because I now had 3 printers to run, instead of just worrying about my 2, I had the big flatbed that my guy normally runs. That kept me busy and it was a tad stressful keeping it all running smoothly. On top of that my office had started a Biggest Loser competition and I was 4 days into a new diet and learning how to read/watch my calories, etc. I then had to leave early to get home so she could get to work, which usually isn’t a problem because my guy is still there getting jobs printed and everyone is being taken care of so I can step out. However, he was gone so my department was shutdown 1.5 hours earlier than usual, which tends to make the designers panic because they always worry a customer will call with a last minute rush and they’ll have to say no because no one is there to print it.
Okay, so all that goes through my head and at the end of the thought I reply to her with this: “oh man, I had a really bad day”.
I look back on it now and remember the rest of the night. Jenni was at work, I was taking care of our son and was thinking to myself that I deserved to rest because “I had a bad day”. I did absolutely nothing productive that night. I wasn’t as attentive to my son as I should have been. I didn’t get any laundry washed, I didn’t start a load of dishes. I was a bum.
I realize looking back that it all started with me deciding that I had to label my day as a bad one. With that label securely in place I allowed myself to use it as an excuse to not accomplish anything positive that night…which carried over to the next day. Why do I have to do that? Why do I have to choose to label something as good or bad. Maybe my day was neither good nor bad really, it just was what it was…a day. Nothing more, nothing less. Now please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying anything negative towards my wife asking the question. She was genuinely interested in the experiences of my day. I just realized for myself that I am constantly labeling people, events, even days of my life with Good or Bad. One little word or label puts an entire spin on my perspective. This isn’t to say having a positive outlook is a negative thing, but I just wonder why it is that I feel the need to label everything?
- My day was bad
- My meeting was boring
- My coworker is cocky
- I’m fat
- Life is pointless
- Brussel sprouts are nasty
Maybe I’m going overboard here, but honestly, look at the list. I have created a mental/verbal label for each item, which immediately changes my outlook because I focus on the label and don’t see what’s really there. My day was bad. I had some unpleasant moments of stress, but that okay. There were also moments where I smiled and enjoyed my time working. My coworker is an incredibly talented artist and designer, but I have labeled him as cocky, so that’s all I see. I’m blinded by the label and am unable or unwilling to see the beauty within him. I’m fat…yes, I’m not at a healthy weight, but do I have to apply such a negative label to myself? Is that really helping anything or anyone? Is life really pointless? No it’s not, but I’ve decided at that moment that this is the only view I wish to have, instead of choosing to see all the wonderful things within it. Are brussel sprouts nasty? Well, I don’t particularly enjoy them, but my wife loves them, so are they really nasty? No, I just don’t enjoy eating them. Do you see what I’m saying?
I’ve decided that I need to stop labeling everything and just live. Labels are hindering my progression as a father, as a husband, as an employee and as a conscious human being. If something is merely creating a road block in your life, then why do we continue to hold on to it?
barefootbhakti on Sun, 30th Mar 2008 2:34 am
You’ve set into motion that irreversible process of questioning your thoughts. Those Buddhists say the mind is the servant not the master… without labels we are truly free.
I learned something huge at the Byron katie weekend. It became clear to me that underneath all of the labels, thoughts and emotions we have, if you get deep enough, you find that LOVE permeates it all. That deep place of peace and love is the zen state of being. Since then, I’ve been able to relate to all of the annoying and frustrating things as gifts and to even re-label them in the moment instead of years later.
I’m late somewhere? Oh fabulous, that must be just what I need. My son is throwing a tantrum? Perfect opportunity to practice non-reactivity. A deaf girl joins the yoga class I’m teaching? Great way to learn to connect without the concept of words.
Looking at the world as a friendly place has been so freeing for me. I find all sorts of extra energy because it’s not being lost on the illusion of negativity. Does that make sense?
ScottyDoo on Sun, 30th Mar 2008 2:22 pm
That makes total sense. I’ve tried to do the same things, with varying levels of success, but I continue to try.
I was reading “The Idiots Guide to Zen Living” (great book) and remember a section where the authors mention a situation where maybe you’re running late for work. The natual human response is to stress out. Continually watch the clock, complain about other drivers, even yell at them, etc, etc, etc. All of this stress and anger over something that you at this point have no control over.
So you’re running late? Well, just enjoy the ride. Look at the sky, enjoy the views around you, maybe you’ll see something you’ve never noticed before and when the time comes, you’ll arrive at your destination.
I can choose to freak out or stress out about being late, when in all reality, I can’t change the fact that I’m late. So why not accept it and enjoy life in the meantime.
Shilpan | successsoul.com on Mon, 7th Apr 2008 9:07 pm
Buddha believed that living the moment is the source of eternal joy. As you’ve mentioned, labeling events was directly correlated the expectations you had about the outcome of those events. If you learn to remove the detachment, life will unleash abundance of love and eternal happiness.
Shilpan
ScottyDoo on Mon, 7th Apr 2008 9:19 pm
I’m definitely a work in progress…but at least there’s progress eh?
Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the comment.
Amy S. on Sat, 31st May 2008 8:08 pm
this post kinda gets at what i resist about zen. i think it’s totally human to label stuff. we have bad days. you do, i do, we all do. we even have bad weeks, sometimes. i think instead of trying not to label stuff, we just gotta learn to let the labels mean a whole lot less. i had a bad day, for example, doesn’t mean this whole day’s over and i can’t have a pleasant evening. nor does it mean it was ONLY a bad day. it might have also been an interesting and instructive or even good day (as well as bad). paradoxical, sure, but that leap of thinking is a far more gentle slope, for me, than trying to force labels and descriptions out of my thinking.
ScottyDoo on Sat, 31st May 2008 8:27 pm
I appreciate the comment.
Funny enough Amy, exactly what you mentioned is exactly what I realized last night. In fact I used a previous comment by you to illustrate to my wife what I was thinking.
I find that although I enjoy the concepts of Zen, for my life, and in my mind, I take them to the extreme. I often get so hung up on the fact that “labels are bad” to not have a realistic view on it. As you said, not all labels are inherently bad, and some may even be necessary. My problem is really that I’m placing so much energy on the fact that I feel I shouldn’t be labeling that I then become obsessed in the opposite direction. Does that make sense?
I’m so concerned about labeling that I have now become obsessed with trying to not label. However, I’m still in a backwards way placing importance on labels. At least, that’s how I see it. It’s not that the label itself is bad, but more importantly, how much I am attached to said label. Either way I’m placing to much importance on the matter.
PS: I think I repeated myself too much in that last paragraph. Oh well.
greenfrog on Sat, 31st May 2008 11:55 pm
Not sure whether this will help, but in my experirence the mind-state of attachment (to labeling or otherwise) is not different than the mind-state of aversion (to labeling or otherwise). They’re two sides to the same coin. They’re both grasping — one to something we want more of, one to the condition of having less of something we don’t want.
Rather than struggle to overcome labeling attachments with labeling aversions, or vice versa, you might try just noticing the part of the mind that is preoccupied with the labeling controversy. And then notice the part that is doing the noticing. If your experience is like mine, that part of your mind — what Patanjali calls the Seer, what Zen calls the No Self — isn’t invested one way or the other in the label battle. It’s just seeing it.
When we stop investing attachment and/or aversion with new energy (by reinforcing or opposing), it may take a while, but eventually that particular issue will tend to subside. It won’t happen all at once, to be sure. More like an echo in a complicated canyon — it starts loud, then gets softer, sometimes to resurge a bit before acceding finally to the silence.
ScottyDoo on Sat, 31st May 2008 11:59 pm
@greenfrog
Your words have illustrated it beautifully and it makes complete sense, and it has very much helped me. Thank you for your always insightful words!