Suffering
Cue the depressing music… how can we address buddhist thought without talking about suffering?
Yesterday I had a phone conversation with a good LDS friend. We spent an hour talking about her life, her impending for-closure or short sale, and her college age daughter who is struggling with drinking and depression. She was trying to stay positive, but was deep in her story about all of the wrong choices her daughter was making, how bad the economy was - and the worry in her voice was thick. I really love and relate to her daughter (a past babysitter and yoga student/employee), and I was trying to explain to her that no matter what she says or does, she has absolutely no control over what is going on in her daughter’s mind. That it’s not her fault her daughter is so unhappy or that she is drinking. I tried to explain that the best way she can help her daughter is to just simply ask her about her experiences, listen, and hold a space of love and an attempt to understand. Lecturing her about her bad choices does nothing.
Then, she said something fascinating. She said, “Sattva, I’m not suffering, she is. I just kills me to see her suffering.” AH! I can relate to being so deep in my own suffering (worry, being in other’s business, etc) that I don’t even see what part of it is mine to own.
The Buddhist word Dukkha is the one we translate into the word “suffering” and it’s not exactly the best translation. That word was originally used centuries ago to describe the wheel on a cart that was slightly mis-aligned, or off. So, more accurately we all experience a feeling of being mis-aligned, or “off”, or imperfect in some way. I think that the word suffering is often mis-understood. In Buddhist terms, it really means feelings and experiences of discomfort, unease, worry, stress, etc. That’s a really big umbrella!
I remember when I was in yoga teacher training and I couldn’t figure out why we were having a guest speaker come talk about suffering. I thought suffering was for people in third world countries! That day I started to understand what suffering meant in Buddhist terms, and it was really eye opening for me. I started to observe my thoughts and how they affected me.
Since then, I’m coming to learn that my emotions are signposts for unnecessary suffering. If I’m feeling stressed out, sad or angry, then I know that on some level deep inside, I am attached to a thought that isn’t true. Somehow, I am not aligned with the truth of the universe - the truth of what is. It is so liberating to follow the suffering through my emotions, track down that rogue thought and disassemble it. Give it up - surrender it.
So, yesterday I found myself suffering while I listened to my friend. I wanted her to recognize her level of worry, suffering and clinging to thoughts that weren’t working for her. And then I noticed that I was feeling in combat with her, in frustration over the situation. My frustration was adding to hers and felt anything but peaceful. I realized that I was fighting what is. In that moment, my friend was just stuck, and she wasn’t ready to do years of work in 5 minutes! I took a few deep breaths and sat and listened. I brought up all of the wonderful things that I had seen her do to teach her daughter well. I listened to her financial woes without judgment. I pulled my own suffering out of the situation and tried to stop thinking so much, but just be there in full presence.
She seemed to feel better and her conversation got really honest. I didn’t mince words and was really honest back. It ended up being one of the most loving conversations we’ve had. I’m coming to realize that for me to create personal peace and really relinquish my suffering means not plugging into the drama around me. Making a choice in the moment to just let go and choose peace. Even in something as simple as a conversation.
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I’m beginning to understand the same ideas, and part of what you said reminded me of a lesson I learned the other day. You said the following in the first paragraph:
I’ve been listening to the audio from a dharma retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh titled “The Ultimate Dimension” lately, and in it he discussed something that really hit home with me, and applies to this situation as well.
Basically, he said that for us to truly love someone, we must understand them.
He went on to explain some situations, and wow, I mean wow, did it just hit home and sink right in. I’m going to write a post on it later, so I won’t say anything more here other than to relate it to your post.
Your friend loves her daughter and cares for her deeply, that’s obvious, but she doesn’t appear to be trying to understand her. It’s easy to pass judgment when all you focus on is the actions and decisions of another, but it’s an entirely different experience when you truly try to understand the person behind those actions and decisions. When you do that, you will notice a shift in your feelings towards them. I know it’s been working for me.
I think where I frequently stumble is in the practice of judging itself. It is so so tempting to me to decide whether someone else’s actions are right or wrong, good or bad.
In recent weeks and months, I’ve come to feel that such practices are subtly inconsistent with ahimsa, though I’m not sure I could articulate exactly why. Just that the feeling of judging others and the feeling of departing from ahimsa feel fundamentally the same to me. Perhaps others have a better understanding of these things than I.
That’s an interesting thought. Just going off the technical definitions that are floating around these days in the various usages I wouldn’t say that it exactly fits under that umbrella, but it does feel related in a sense.
While it may not be a projection of violence or direct harm to the individual, you are causing mental harm, I suppose, upon yourself by allowing this judgment to exist within your mind. So maybe in that sense it could be related?
I don’t know…but you’ve got me thinking.
I try to trick myself into thinking that I’m not judging (well, except for work, where my job is to make judgments about peoples’ conduct). Rather, I’m looking compassionately at where a person’s conduct will lead and what suffering it might cause to them and to others. That said, there are times I’ll get a bit judgmental and call another driver an asshole while I’m on the Interstate–happened just yesterday.
I think that when we judge others, we fail to leave space around the issue, space that helps us see reality as it truly is. There is no inquiry when there is judgment.
I’ve been working with that concept of ahimsa and I think it has so many faces. In this instance it was so easy for me to look at my friend and see where she was blind to what was going on - but if I go into judgment instead of just observing, then I’m creating suffering because in judgment comes an division - a division of her verses me. (I can see the truth, poor friend just doesn’t get it, etc) By observing instead of judging, I am easily able to see all sides of the situation more clearly, and to also turn it around and quickly realize that I may not be seeing it all clearly until I take a really good look at myself in similar situation. Then I gain understanding and am able to create a space around the issues.
If I’m not present, then I can’t seem to create space. Depending on the situation, my ahimsa will fall apart and I will react: judging, not accepting of a current situation, etc. And of course, I suffer as a result. I fell into this over the weekend, resisting an aspect of my wife’s behavior that I find annoying. I started judging it and her - wanting her to be something other than what she is. I started to say some things. It only dawned on me later that I was in my own mind and not present. I went back and apologized afterwards. If I had been more aware, I could have just watched my frustrating thoughts, accept the situation, create some space, and then let them go.
Once my mind has got a hold on me, it is very hard not to identified with it. The trick I think is to be present.