I not only lose lots of the negative stuff, but I also, amazingly, lose the self-perpetuating circle of goals and guilt that is my attempt to deal with my past, present and future nonsense, cuz I’m able to lovingly accept that being the creature ME involves some heaping piles of nonsense. I don’t really end up dissolving or eliminating many of my stories, so much as I end up authoring new ones that are far more gentle to all the characters, including myself. And when those negative statements reappear, like they do, I’m like “Oh, there I go again, being ME, how wonderful and hilarious and okay this is.”

Greenfrog, I really like Kornfield’s definition and I can actually see how they’re one in the same! From my perspective he’s referring to the “this shouldn’t have happened to me”, “I don’t deserve this” , “I am a victim”. Without accepting the past, we never embrace what is. From Katie’s definition, we wouldn’t possibly want the world to be any different because everything that’s happened has been part of a friendly world creating exactly what we need. Her questioning techniques have a way of helping me understand why things should have been the way they were. That understanding is what helps me release the past and see the world as loving.

Going back to the idea that we can control our thoughts, seal them off and only live in the present, I don’t believe that works. On some level we have to process the past in order to understand it and make peace. Sometimes that process is intense and a bit ugly.

I find the past in my body a lot. When I feel like sitting a lot, sleeping in, etc., I notice the wheel of samsara I started years ago of laziness, when I’m on my yoga mat and find myself pushing too hard, I notice my thoughts clinging to a better performance or a different body, I notice that wheel of samsara manifesting in goal-oriented pursuits and perfectionism, or on the mat my upper back doesn’t want to open and I realize that I’m clinging to something. Or, even though I’m perfectly calm, my heart is racing and I realize my mind is making lists of things that need to be finished. I keep trying to live in the past or the future, and my body is pulling me back into present.

ScottyDoo… that is an interesting visual “a piece of tarnished metal, that you can put out on display”. Very well put. I’ve been noticing how when I define myself with my past, “past eating disorder”, “chronic lifelong depression”, “NOM”, it allows my ego to thrive. More and more, those things in my past keep dissolving into the illusion that they are. Maybe this happens more and more with time? or simply awareness? I just know that lately whenever I attempt to label myself it feels inaccurate.

Her definition of forgiveness is: realizing that what you thought happened to you never really did.

Jack Kornfield’s is this: Forgiveness happens when we stop insisting that the past be different than it was.

randy wrote:

Yes, it took a long time for me to accept that my baggage from the past is a piece of who I am right now and internalize it, as opposed to rejecting it in toto and trying to rid myself of it. It’s not good; it’s not bad; it just is.

This is a nicely-put American view of karma — our perceptions and responses are neither good nor bad — they are simply the results of our karma. We don’t get to choose how our karma accumulated in the past manifests. We only get to determine whether our present actions entail future karma or not.

In my own case, that means that what used to be my “dark side” is just another part of the system that is me, a part I can view with compassion and acceptance instead of with hatred and self-loathing. One thing I found helpful as to my “dark side” items was naming them for what they are, bringing them into the light of day in my own mind.

In my experience, this is a helpful way of setting aside judgment, guilt, and self-condemnation — all good things. At some point, though, it’s worth considering whether letting go of the idea of “the system that is me” may be useful or even unavoidable.

By not letting go of my past (post-present?) experiences and emotions, I am merely making them part of my present moment. This thought really frustrates me. I think about something and remind myself that I need to let go as it was in the past and that’s behind me, but through my obsessive quest to let go of them, I end up holding on to them tighter in a sense.

This particular excerpt really rings true from me, and I read it before I had any Buddhist slant on things, so I try to look at it from both perspectives.

Ultimately I have not taken personal responsibility for my past. I carry it around like a tarnished metal that I’m not even proud of, yet there it is ready to be put on display whenever I feel in the mood for a pity party. I have a lot of depression and self hatred because of all this. This is why I like passages like this. It helps to open my eyes and see myself in the present moment and see how I’m letting this baggage weigh me down. So in that respect I love the declarations it makes. They motivate me…for the moment, but I let that moment pass and am back into my regularly broadcast program.

I recent listened to the audio book Getting Unstuck by Pema Chodron as well and it’s really touched on the core of what my problem seems to be. I’m allowing this past events and emotions to hook me and I’m getting stuck.

I don’t know…I hope what I wrote makes some sense. I’m not very confident in what I write these days. My mind feels so jumbled and unfocused, so I never really know if my words come across how I mean them. Then I get down on myself and get hooked by that feeling, and it begins again. Don’t you love it? At least I recognize the pattern eh? Many would say that this is progress.

“I suppose it is an infinite succession of present moments” That is how I think of it. I tend to think that anytime you think of something from a perceived past it suddenly exists in the present, our past is part of our present delusion. What I want from that is for it to be useful somehow. instead of a pointless exercise in wishing for a different outcome or wanting the past back. (Music was so much better in the eighties)

“realizing that what you thought happened to you never really did.” So, is that like admitting that you only have one perspective on some event, and don’t have the ability to see a situation the way others do?

From that quote the image that comes to mind is of someone who has lost an arm, Your arm is really there. (please forgive me)

so we’re engaging in a predictive exercise that doesn’t necessarily mean that we recognize The Future as having an existence independent from the present.

Interesting. Do you mean we’re so aware of the present and all of it’s repercussions?
I’ve had some interesting experiences with the past, using the work from Byron katie. I’ve been deeply questioning my past, those things that bother me – and discovering that my mind has created a big game around my story. Questioning it has brought me a lot of real healing. Her definition of forgiveness is: realizing that what you thought happened to you never really did.

As for Wayne’s question about the future, I suppose it is an infinite succession of present moments. We can plan for and anticipate events that are likely or to happen, but in doing so we’re engaging in a predictive exercise that doesn’t necessarily mean that we recognize The Future as having an existence independent from the present.