Paradise Now

I came across a blog the other day and have found myself very much relating to the words of Dharma Brother Pete.  He has many posts that I find illustrate some of the emotions and mental situations I currently find myself in.

His post titled Paradise Now falls right in line with my previous one Treading Water.  In fact, I came across his right after I posted it.  With his permission, I would like to share with you what he wrote.  I don’t know that you will get anything out of it like I have, but although I still struggle his post gives me a sense of hope that it will all works itself out.

Paradise Now
By Pete Hoge

In my youth I was taught to think that the possibilities of peace and joy were only possible in the “afterlife”, as it is understood in the Christian faith.

This life was a rehearsal for an eternity of relief in the hands of the God of Abraham, and that I was being watched all the time and my actions noted so that I could be judged upon reaching the “pearly gates”.

Thankfully I had a questioning Mind and gradually worked my way out of this destructive hogwash, and at this point in time I have gained freedom from these stories.

I am not sure when the moment happened, probably not too many years ago, when I finally let go of the concept of God, as defined in the Bible, and absorbed and new paradigm into my being.

“I don’t know”

This is how the Buddha answered this question of “god”, or eternalism in public discourse , reserving his opinion for it was really his own business., as the point of Buddhist practice is constant questioning of phenomenological experience… he said..”Find out for yourself”.

I have encountered every argument for and against “God” and eventually I stopped asking, because I was interested in how to alleviate and reduce suffering as it presented itself right in front of my face. I stopped the obsessive churning of ideas and concepts about divinity quite suddenly and was mercifully OK with the option of ,” I don’t know”.

And perhaps even, “I don’t care”.

Which amounts to cursing said diety which earns you the sweet spot in the deepest Hell.

Hell and Heaven are stories, as is much of the Bible, and it’s theologies. A lot of unverifiable conjecture and theory which cannot be proven.

Of course I realize that I have accepted a new body of information, new stories, that speak of how the Buddha gained enlightenment, and how we as disciples can verify every step he took through our own practice.

Most importantly we can question and debate at every level, and understand that the cultures of Asia put their own filter over the Dharma as it passed through the centuries.

I am relieved of the burden of anticipating some kind of judgment in the afterlife from a God who I was never sure existed, and I can open my eyes wider and wider to the paradise in front of me.

I am experiencing what freedom is really like.

Please share you thoughts if you have any about this. I know we won’t all have the same view, but I’m curious to know what you think.

Treading Water

I feel like I’ve been swimming for a long time with no clear direction or destination.  The direction I was given from time I was born has turned out to be a different direction than I care to go.  I swam so long in that direction that now I’m out of breath and stopped swimming. I’m treading water, waiting for guidance on which way to go, or if I should just give up and let myself sink.

Photo by Zeb Andrews

My whole life I feel like I’ve been treading water, and I suppose I was never truly swimming to begin with.  The LDS church has a nice big boat that they say you can ride on, but only if you choose to believe that it’s the only boat that can really get you there safely.  Sure there are other smaller boats that will try.  Their intentions are good and the boats will float for awhile, but they didn’t have the full and complete plans for building the boat, so it’s only a matter or time before they too will sink.

I’ve decided that I don’t really care for their boat, and I think they made up the plans and have convinced everyone that they came directly from God.  I believed that for a long time as well, but now I know it’s not true, so I said f*ck it and jumped overboard.  Now I am in the water all on my own and I’m getting tired.

My wife says that the bible still has good instructions on how to build a boat, though Jesus already built one and it’s through him and only him that we can be taken safely to the other shore.  I don’t know that I buy that.  Why can’t I build my own boat?  Do I really have to use his?  What makes his boat so special?  Am I incapable of doing it on my own?

Well I don’t have answers to all those questions and I don’t know how I feel about some of them.  To be honest, thinking about some of them just gives me headaches and makes me feel like I’m ready to stop treading and let myself sink.  Am I just stubborn and arrogant to think that I have everything that I need within myself if only I wake up and realize it?  I believe my wife would say yes.  I love her dearly, but I would disagree. I don’t know however that I can truly disagree with her without it really upsetting her, and I don’t want to do that.  I appreciate that she prefers to use the boat Jesus made and that’s fine. I’m truly happy for her. The problem is that I want to build my own boat.  I want to immerse myself in the guidance of ancient teachers who have taught us how to find the plans we already have within ourselves, and not to rely on someone else to do the work.  It’s through this awakening and realization that we find our true nature, and I’m so excited to make that journey, but I don’t think that she is.  She doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m not saying that Jesus doesn’t have a great boat, whose plans came from God.  I’m just saying that I don’t know, and I’m okay with not knowing. I know there is more than one boat and I’m ready to make my own.  Others can use his, but I quite frankly don’t want to.

Is that selfish and wrong?  I’m just so sick of treading water.