Treading Water
August 15, 2008 by ScottyDoo
I feel like I’ve been swimming for a long time with no clear direction or destination. The direction I was given from time I was born has turned out to be a different direction than I care to go. I swam so long in that direction that now I’m out of breath and stopped swimming. I’m treading water, waiting for guidance on which way to go, or if I should just give up and let myself sink.
Photo by Zeb Andrews
My whole life I feel like I’ve been treading water, and I suppose I was never truly swimming to begin with. The LDS church has a nice big boat that they say you can ride on, but only if you choose to believe that it’s the only boat that can really get you there safely. Sure there are other smaller boats that will try. Their intentions are good and the boats will float for awhile, but they didn’t have the full and complete plans for building the boat, so it’s only a matter or time before they too will sink.
I’ve decided that I don’t really care for their boat, and I think they made up the plans and have convinced everyone that they came directly from God. I believed that for a long time as well, but now I know it’s not true, so I said f*ck it and jumped overboard. Now I am in the water all on my own and I’m getting tired.
My wife says that the bible still has good instructions on how to build a boat, though Jesus already built one and it’s through him and only him that we can be taken safely to the other shore. I don’t know that I buy that. Why can’t I build my own boat? Do I really have to use his? What makes his boat so special? Am I incapable of doing it on my own?
Well I don’t have answers to all those questions and I don’t know how I feel about some of them. To be honest, thinking about some of them just gives me headaches and makes me feel like I’m ready to stop treading and let myself sink. Am I just stubborn and arrogant to think that I have everything that I need within myself if only I wake up and realize it? I believe my wife would say yes. I love her dearly, but I would disagree. I don’t know however that I can truly disagree with her without it really upsetting her, and I don’t want to do that. I appreciate that she prefers to use the boat Jesus made and that’s fine. I’m truly happy for her. The problem is that I want to build my own boat. I want to immerse myself in the guidance of ancient teachers who have taught us how to find the plans we already have within ourselves, and not to rely on someone else to do the work. It’s through this awakening and realization that we find our true nature, and I’m so excited to make that journey, but I don’t think that she is. She doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to explain it.
I’m not saying that Jesus doesn’t have a great boat, whose plans came from God. I’m just saying that I don’t know, and I’m okay with not knowing. I know there is more than one boat and I’m ready to make my own. Others can use his, but I quite frankly don’t want to.
Is that selfish and wrong? I’m just so sick of treading water.
Wayne on Sat, 16th Aug 2008 10:21 am
Is Jesus the message or the messenger?
Is Jesus the path or the destination?
Regardless of the path (Mormonism,Buddhism, etc) only you can verify it. And regardless of what anyone says about the destination only you will see it.
Going on the path, staying on it and verifying it takes faith. Whether you are going to sacrament meeting or sitting Zazen.
Though meditation does seem to have some immediate benefits, whatever those are are not always apparent in regular practice and may not be the nature of the goal.
Does that help?
ScottyDoo on Sat, 16th Aug 2008 12:00 pm
I see Jesus as more of a messenger of sorts. Someone who had it figured out and wanted to show others that one, it could be done, and two, how to do it.
I don’t see him as the path or the destination, but maybe I’m getting too picky. I don’t personally see him as “THE WAY” though many of the things that are attributed to him could be taken as wise advice on how to live.
I’m finding more and more that I always lived my life with the destination (celestial kingdom) in mind. With Mormonism not being a part of my life (other than history and extended family) I don’t have that destination. I felt that I worried too much about where I was going to go after my body withered and died that I never spent much time actually living. I’m not really concerned about my “eternal salvation” as many, my wife included, would put it.
I’m more interested in my journey…the destination will either become clear, or it won’t, and either way I’m fine right now. That doesn’t give my wife any comfort however as she’s concerned about my salvation, and hers, on a daily basis.
I don’t know that this helps, heh, but I very much appreciate your comments.
I really enjoy this quote from the Buddha:
That really sums up things for me in many ways. Much of the Christian teachings (not specifically LDS) I was raised with just don’t add up to me and don’t mesh with my common sense, they never have. My Buddhist practice (though I’m a lazy buddhist) thus far, makes sense to me and feels right, for lack of a better word.
wolfie185 on Mon, 18th Aug 2008 10:50 am
Hi and I can empathize with you in a very general way. I live in central Nebraska and all my closest friends are Christians, which is how I was raised, we are also recoverying alcoholics and addicts. A big part of recoverying from addictions is finding a spiritual path, they have climbed in the Jesus boat while I walk a differant path. When we have discussions on things spiritual,we try to take the middle road, with the exceptions of a few, no one commends the other for not believing as they do. These conversations do give me reason to reflect on my belief system and also see how in someways I still use Christian ideas in expressing myself and prayer, I still have a habit of saying “In Thy Name Amen” when I finish a prayer since it has been a big part of my life for 40 years or so. For me spirituality is about growth, practice and patience, I understand the preconceived notions and ignorance that lurks in my mind but gradually I am becoming more aware of them which gives me an opertunity to work at changing them. Showing compassion for everyone is a big challenge for me on a daily bases, not that I am that mean I just have some good ole redneck reactions that need corrected but as long as I am aware of the reactions being incorrect and am willing to change them, then there is peace.
Have you read Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Living Buddha Living Christ? I read part of it 8 or 9 years ago but was partial blinded by addiction, from what I remember and what an online Buddhist friend in recovery has said it is an excellent book on explaining how the 2 are similar in their teachings, I can see a lot of Buddha’s teachings in the New Testament and the Gnostic gospels.
Only you know if you are being selfish or not. Good luck on your journey
Namaste
Scott
ScottyDoo on Mon, 18th Aug 2008 12:00 pm
I have not read Living Buddha Living Christ yet, but I do have at home a copy of “Going Home: Jesus and Buddha as Brothers” which is basically a sequel to that one. It’s on my list though.
For me the issue is that I see the similarities and the areas of compatibility and I have no issue with that. My problem is that I’m not feeling any inkling of a desire to follow the Christian path. My wife is and for that reason I want to continually work to be in harmony, but I just don’t see that path for me at the moment. Though I’m not closing it off completely.
It’s basically like this. When I study Buddhism and meditate, something just rings true for me, and I feel a sense of peace. What I’m reading and learning just fits. It’s like I’ve finally found something that feels compatible with me. Then I start reading about Christianity and will read portions of the bible. The feeling of peace is gone. It’s not a negative feeling that takes it place, I just feel nothing. It doesn’t ring true for me and it doesn’t feel compatible. With those experiences I say to myself “okay, I have something that feels right and I have a real sense of peace and hapiness. Then I have the other where I feel empty and frustrated. I think I’ll go with choice A”. I don’t know why anyone would continue down a path that doesn’t feel right.
I feel like the Two Roads poem. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference. It’s like I have the two roads. One is the Christian road, and the other is Buddhism. I’m taking the road that I feel is best, but I’m fine if my wife wants to take the other road because guess what? We’ll probably end up in the same place, and we have walkie talkies and can talk to each other the whole time and talk about the various things we encounter on our paths and share the similarities we find.
Is that dumb?
We talked for a couple hours about this last night and she understands more where I’m coming from and things are a bit better on this subject, but it’s going to take time.
PS: Thanks for the comments. Welcome!
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Courtney on Wed, 20th Aug 2008 5:33 pm
I’ve been meaning to tell you this before, but I love your posts Scott. I’m right there with ya when it comes to feeling like treading water.
randy on Wed, 20th Aug 2008 6:30 pm
As usual, I’m late to the party, but I like to tell my active LDS wife that we’re following different paths to the same destination. Really, we don’t actually know much about that distant ship smoke on the horizon (love that Pink Floyd tune) that is whatever state exists after death. No matter what our intellect and teachers tell us, and, while we may view our paths and ways as very different, we share the boat that is the world. With deep humility and compassion, we sail that boat together. However, we take our jaunts out to sea and back in our own little expedition boats. In my own case, I have the direct experience of zazen, the radical simplicity of Zen practice, and a philosophy and doctrine that fit my life right now. My wife has a structure and a set of rituals that allow her contact with the divine.
I quote the Beach Boys:
I sailed an ocean, unsettled ocean
Through restful waters and deep commotion
Often frightened, unenlightened
Sail on, sail on sailor
I wrest the waters, fight Neptune’s waters
Sail through the sorrows of life’s marauders
Unrepenting, often empty
Sail on, sail on sailor
Caught like a sewer rat alone but I sail
Bought like a crust of bread, but oh do I wail
Seldom stumble, never crumble
Try to tumble, life’s a rumble
Feel the stinging I’ve been given
Never ending, unrelenting
Heartbreak searing, always fearing
Never caring, persevering
Sail on, sail on, sailor
I work the seaways, the gale-swept seaways
Past shipwrecked daughters of wicked waters
Uninspired, drenched and tired
Wail on, wail on, sailor
Always needing, even bleeding
Never feeding all my feelings
Damn the thunder, must I blunder
There’s no wonder all I’m under
Stop the crying and the lying
And the sighing and my dying
Sail on, sail on sailor
ScottyDoo on Thu, 21st Aug 2008 11:33 am
Nice to see you here Courtney. Thanks!!
I talk to your lesser-half all the time, but never you!
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