Silent Struggles & Inner Demons

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 months since I’ve written a post.  I’ve published a few things after my last one, but nothing that was written by me.  There are times that I post articles and links because I truly want to share something that I enjoyed, but I think at times I do that as an excuse to avoid writing.  Does that make sense?  I feel like I should write something, but I feel like I can’t write anything.  I think it’s just a way for me to avoid confronting thoughts that plague me.

I don’t really know where to start at the moment, so please forgive me if I ramble and bounce around.  My head is VERY dissorganized right now.

After I took my vows in October, I felt on top of the world.  My life had purpose and direction again.  As time passed the excitement faded and I was back in my normal rut.  How could that be?  What changed?  I think it comes down to the fact that nothing actually did change.  You can make vows all you want, but if you don’t live them and you don’t practice everyday, then it doesn’t really matter.  So when I say that nothing changed, it’s because something needed to change, but didn’t.

I have never been good about keeping routines.  What’s funny is that I actually enjoy repititious, routine work.  It doesn’t bother me.  I like the familiarity, knowing what is coming next and not worrying about what to do.  (the house lights dim, and the curtain is lowered.)

(Scott has an epiphany and suddenly the house lights are on again and the curtain is raised)

Okay, so I just realized something.  I know why I like repitious and routine work.

I like that kind of work because it doesn’t require me to have to expand outside my comfort zone.  It doesn’t require me to work past my issues and push beyond my fears.  I like that kind of work because I’m afraid.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of success.  I am afraid that I will never be good enough.  I am afraid that if I do too well at something then I will be required to do more when I already feel overloaded.  I am afraid that if I fail, no one will love me.

I actually believe everything I think.

I love moments like this, because everything seems so clear.  What I hate however is that 5 minutes later I’ve left the moment and fall back into my delusions and habitual patterns.  I have these moments of clarity and I feel like I can see the naked truth.  I see it and say “well of course, it all makes sense now” and the next moment I say “oh, well that’s too bad, I guess I’ll never change.  I just don’t know what to do.”

What the hell is my problem?

Why is it that I can analyze a situation and see the solution, or even have someone hand me the solution…but then I drop the ball and do nothing?  I truly baffle myself sometimes, and I know I baffle my wife.  She frequently says to me, “You know what you have to do to change things, why don’t you just stop thinking so much and do it?”.  That’s a valid question, right?  What is my answer you ask?  Well, my asnwer is this, “I don’t know”.  The thing is though, that I do know.  Deep down, or maybe even not that deep down, I do know.  I believe that.  I know that all the answers to my questions lie within myself, but why can’t I seem to find them?  Maybe I have found them, but don’t recognize them.  Maybe I see the answers, but don’t like them so I delude myself into thinking that I don’t know so that I can continue my habitual pattern of avoidance.

SHAZBOT! (he screams into the night sky)

I seriously piss myself off sometimes.  I go in circles like this over and over and over again, never doing anything different, but expecting different results.  Is that not the definition of insanity? (atleast according to Einstein).

I feel so stuck, yet no one can get me out of the rut by myself.

Great, now my head hurts…but thanks for listening.