What I Learned From a Ladybug

Photo courtesy of jody9

While at work the other day I encountered a couple of ladybugs wandering on top of the sheets of material that had just arrived.   My first instinct was to just flick them off and continue on with what I was doing.  As I got closer and was about to flick one away I stopped myself.  I decided instead that I wanted to just watch them for awhile.  As I watched the thought came to me that maybe they were lost and scared, wandering in an unknown world, and not knowing where to go.  In that moment I understood that all life is precious.  I’ve gone through all the years of my life mindlessly squashing bugs, flicking various insects out of the way, never taking a moment to recognize the miracle of life displayed right in front of me.

What if I lived inside of a world where I was the insect and some being decided that my existence was unimportant and simply squashed me?

I grabbed a piece of paper and placed it next to the ladybugs and one by one carried them outside to a patch of long grass growing along the wall in our back lot.  I placed them close enough to the grass that they were able to easily walk onto them and be on their way.  As the last one crawled onto the blade of grass it turned around and seemed to be looking at me.  I bent down to meet it’s gaze.  As I sat looking into the eyes of this ladybug,  it fluttered it’s wings, continuing to look my way.  I thought that maybe this was it’s way of communicating with me, and maybe it was trying to say “thank you”.  I returned the gesture with a gassho (bow), and went back to work.

It’s amazing what we can learn when we pay attention.

I remember reading the reply from Sean (greenfrog) after taking my vows where he wrote “now notice”.  It always confused me a little.  What did that mean?  Notice what exactly?   I think I’m beginning to understand.

Thank you ladybug for reminding me of the preciousness of all lives…even tiny insects.

This Lousy World – Pema Chodron

What Truly Remains?

Treeleaf member Aswini posted some of my blog post on the forum and equated it to his own life. I was interested to see what the responses would be. Jundo posted a whopper of a question in response. One that I’ll be meditating on for what I imagine to be a long time.

The question is…

What truly remains when we drop all thought of “success”, “failure”, “doing”, “not doing”, “tangled”, “untangled”, “up” or “down”????

We’ll see how it goes? (or does it go?, if it does, where does it go?, or does it go nowhere at all? Or is there no IT to begin with, which means that IT can’t go anywhere? I’ve started already)

Silent Struggles & Inner Demons

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 months since I’ve written a post.  I’ve published a few things after my last one, but nothing that was written by me.  There are times that I post articles and links because I truly want to share something that I enjoyed, but I think at times I do that as an excuse to avoid writing.  Does that make sense?  I feel like I should write something, but I feel like I can’t write anything.  I think it’s just a way for me to avoid confronting thoughts that plague me.

I don’t really know where to start at the moment, so please forgive me if I ramble and bounce around.  My head is VERY dissorganized right now.

After I took my vows in October, I felt on top of the world.  My life had purpose and direction again.  As time passed the excitement faded and I was back in my normal rut.  How could that be?  What changed?  I think it comes down to the fact that nothing actually did change.  You can make vows all you want, but if you don’t live them and you don’t practice everyday, then it doesn’t really matter.  So when I say that nothing changed, it’s because something needed to change, but didn’t.

I have never been good about keeping routines.  What’s funny is that I actually enjoy repititious, routine work.  It doesn’t bother me.  I like the familiarity, knowing what is coming next and not worrying about what to do.  (the house lights dim, and the curtain is lowered.)

(Scott has an epiphany and suddenly the house lights are on again and the curtain is raised)

Okay, so I just realized something.  I know why I like repitious and routine work.

I like that kind of work because it doesn’t require me to have to expand outside my comfort zone.  It doesn’t require me to work past my issues and push beyond my fears.  I like that kind of work because I’m afraid.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of success.  I am afraid that I will never be good enough.  I am afraid that if I do too well at something then I will be required to do more when I already feel overloaded.  I am afraid that if I fail, no one will love me.

I actually believe everything I think.

I love moments like this, because everything seems so clear.  What I hate however is that 5 minutes later I’ve left the moment and fall back into my delusions and habitual patterns.  I have these moments of clarity and I feel like I can see the naked truth.  I see it and say “well of course, it all makes sense now” and the next moment I say “oh, well that’s too bad, I guess I’ll never change.  I just don’t know what to do.”

What the hell is my problem?

Why is it that I can analyze a situation and see the solution, or even have someone hand me the solution…but then I drop the ball and do nothing?  I truly baffle myself sometimes, and I know I baffle my wife.  She frequently says to me, “You know what you have to do to change things, why don’t you just stop thinking so much and do it?”.  That’s a valid question, right?  What is my answer you ask?  Well, my asnwer is this, “I don’t know”.  The thing is though, that I do know.  Deep down, or maybe even not that deep down, I do know.  I believe that.  I know that all the answers to my questions lie within myself, but why can’t I seem to find them?  Maybe I have found them, but don’t recognize them.  Maybe I see the answers, but don’t like them so I delude myself into thinking that I don’t know so that I can continue my habitual pattern of avoidance.

SHAZBOT! (he screams into the night sky)

I seriously piss myself off sometimes.  I go in circles like this over and over and over again, never doing anything different, but expecting different results.  Is that not the definition of insanity? (atleast according to Einstein).

I feel so stuck, yet no one can get me out of the rut by myself.

Great, now my head hurts…but thanks for listening.

Lost Treasures of Tibet

If you have some time to spare, here’s an episode of NOVA I really enjoyed about restoring the art work in some of the old and damaged monasteries in Mustang (moo-stahng). Mustang is also known as a “Tibet outside the Tibetan Border” for it survived the Chinese invasion of 1951 and hence it fosters the original Tibetan culture, although now politically in Nepal.

My God Can Beat Up Your God!

The Yoga of Christ

This has  been a long overdue post. My apologies.  This is part two to Philip G. McLemore’s previous article titled Mormon Mantras: A Journey of Spiritual Transformation from Sunstone Magazine.

Like the last one, this is a long read, about 16 pages, but again, well worth it. In this one he goes more in depth about how the teachings of Christ really are like Yoga, and how you can use Yoga to live the teachings of Christ and to commune with God through them.

As his tagline reads:  “Is it possible that the teachings of Jesus are so comprehensive they encompass the core spiritual principles of both East and West?”

Click the link below to download a PDF copy of the article:

The Yoga of Christ

The Dharma of Each Other

As a Buddhist teacher, author and founder of the Upaya Zen Centre, Roshi Joan Halifax has dedicated her life to service.  Christopher Mccann listens to her stories.

Photo by: Meridel Rubenstein

I am sitting with Roshi Joan Halifax. She is propped up on pillows, her eyes steady and deep despite the pain in her body. She has slipped on a wet bathroom floor and broken her hip in four different places. She emerged from surgery with a certain equanimity, coming back to do her work in the world with the new addition of a steel plate and screws in her hip.

It’s been close to two years since we’ve seen each other, and we are happy and easy in each other’s presence. I have brought her a picture of her dog, Dominga, which she raised to her forehead like a picture of a saint before placing it on the table beside her. After spending thirty hours strapped to a gurney in an emergency room, she was moved to a private room, where we are sitting when she tells me this story:

“Imagine you’re flying in an airplane, with the wide, shimmering expanse of the sea below you. You rest comfortably in your seat, watching sunlight glint off the waves.

“Out the window you see a smaller plane come into view, flying parallel to yours and just below. There is a moment’s pause, and then the smaller plane begins to throttle back and forth, dipping and diving. And then suddenly, from the side of the plane hidden from your view, a man falls out and starts hurtling, end over end, toward the sea.

“You gasp, pressing your face closer to the glass, feeling a flash of fear course through your body. Entering into the man’s fall with him, you feel it from his body, see the ocean rushing toward you through his terrified eyes. Then with a violent splash the man plunges headfirst into the water.

“And you are still strapped in your seat, hundreds of feet above him, hardly able to breathe.”

I lean forward in my chair toward her. Where is this story going? It’s shocking and strange to me to imagine a man falling to his death, but then Roshi Joan reveals one vital detail.

Read more

Glorious Awakening of the Three Jewels

Sunday October 19, 2008 was a very special day for me.  On this day Lopon Barbara of the Garchen Buddhist Institute in Prescott, AZ came to town for a day of Dharma.  Our little Sangha had more attendance on this day than it has in awhile, which is not surprising when the teacher comes to town, which is only once a year.

The reason this day was most special for me was that I took my refuge vows, and officially entered the Buddhist fold. I was even given a Dharma name, which is “Glorious Awakening of the Three Jewels”.  With this as well, I may actually call myself a true Buddhist, and not just someone who follows Buddhist philosophy.  I know what you’re thinking and yes, it’s only a label, but you know what, I’m happy about it and it means alot to me.  On top of taking the refuge vows, I ALSO took the Bodhisattva vows on the same day, which I will talk about more in detail in another post.

When I decided to formally commit myself to the Buddhist path, it was a big deal for me.  I’m a habitual fence sitter and rarely make decisions to which I’m fully committed.  I always tend to go the passive-aggressive route and half-commit, yet never forgetting to leave me an out (I never ACTUALLY said I could make it on Tuesday, I just said I’d try).  I hate this habit, and I vow to change it, right here and now.  This was the first big step towards that change for me.

Buddhism has been a touchy topic with my Wife and I as her level of understanding isn’t where mine is, nor does she understand my draw towards formal commitment.  After engaging in some healthy conflict, she said that she felt she understood and gave me her blessing to take the vows, which is what I was truly looking for.  I don’t want my Buddhist half to be a thorn in our marriage, even though it has been at many times so far.

I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful I feel right now.  I truly feel reborn and ready to work.  I haven’t had any supernatural experiences, nor did anything descend from the clouds in the form of a dove, but I feel a new fire within, and it feels great.

If you want me to post the details of how the overall process of taking the vows was, I would be happy to do so, just leave a comment and let me know.

Blog Action Day 2008: Nourishing Awareness

Nourishing Awareness

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk and poet born in central Vietnam, is a Leader of the social action movement known as Engaged Buddhism. He was nominated for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr. In “Peace Is Every Step,” he presents a meditation which helps North Americans and Europeans to be mindful of Third World children who do not have enough to eat.

We who live in North America and Europe are accustomed to eating grains and other foods imported from the Third Worlds, such as coffee from Colombia, chocolate from Ghana, or fragrant rice from Thailand. We must be aware that children in these countries, except those from rich families, never see such fine products. They eat inferior foods, while the finer products are put aside for export in order to bring in foreign exchange. There are even some parents who, because they do not have the means to feed their children, resort to selling their children to be servants to families who have enough to eat.

Before each meal, we can join our palms in mindfulness and think about the children who do not have enough to eat. Doing so will help us maintain mindfulness of our good fortune, and perhaps one day we will find ways to do something to help change the system of injustice that exists in the world. In many refugee families, before each meal, a child holds up his bowl of rice an says something like this: “Today, on the table, there are many delicious foods. I am grateful to be here with my family enjoying these wonderful dishes. I know there are many children less fortunate, who are very hungry.” Being a refugee he knows, for example, that most Thai children never see the kind of fine rice grown in Thailand that he is about to eat. It is difficult to explain to children in the “overdeveloped” nations that not all children in the world have such beautiful and nourishing food. Awareness of this fact alone can help us overcome many of our own psychological pains. Eventually our contemplation can help us see how to assist those who need our help so much.

Thich Nhat Hanh, excerpt from “Nourishing Awareness” from Peace Is Every Step. Copyright © 1991 by . Reprinted with the permission of Bantam Books, a division of the Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

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