Treading Water

I feel like I’ve been swimming for a long time with no clear direction or destination.  The direction I was given from time I was born has turned out to be a different direction than I care to go.  I swam so long in that direction that now I’m out of breath and stopped swimming. I’m treading water, waiting for guidance on which way to go, or if I should just give up and let myself sink.

Photo by Zeb Andrews

My whole life I feel like I’ve been treading water, and I suppose I was never truly swimming to begin with.  The LDS church has a nice big boat that they say you can ride on, but only if you choose to believe that it’s the only boat that can really get you there safely.  Sure there are other smaller boats that will try.  Their intentions are good and the boats will float for awhile, but they didn’t have the full and complete plans for building the boat, so it’s only a matter or time before they too will sink.

I’ve decided that I don’t really care for their boat, and I think they made up the plans and have convinced everyone that they came directly from God.  I believed that for a long time as well, but now I know it’s not true, so I said f*ck it and jumped overboard.  Now I am in the water all on my own and I’m getting tired.

My wife says that the bible still has good instructions on how to build a boat, though Jesus already built one and it’s through him and only him that we can be taken safely to the other shore.  I don’t know that I buy that.  Why can’t I build my own boat?  Do I really have to use his?  What makes his boat so special?  Am I incapable of doing it on my own?

Well I don’t have answers to all those questions and I don’t know how I feel about some of them.  To be honest, thinking about some of them just gives me headaches and makes me feel like I’m ready to stop treading and let myself sink.  Am I just stubborn and arrogant to think that I have everything that I need within myself if only I wake up and realize it?  I believe my wife would say yes.  I love her dearly, but I would disagree. I don’t know however that I can truly disagree with her without it really upsetting her, and I don’t want to do that.  I appreciate that she prefers to use the boat Jesus made and that’s fine. I’m truly happy for her. The problem is that I want to build my own boat.  I want to immerse myself in the guidance of ancient teachers who have taught us how to find the plans we already have within ourselves, and not to rely on someone else to do the work.  It’s through this awakening and realization that we find our true nature, and I’m so excited to make that journey, but I don’t think that she is.  She doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m not saying that Jesus doesn’t have a great boat, whose plans came from God.  I’m just saying that I don’t know, and I’m okay with not knowing. I know there is more than one boat and I’m ready to make my own.  Others can use his, but I quite frankly don’t want to.

Is that selfish and wrong?  I’m just so sick of treading water.

The Good, The Bad & The Labels

I came home from work Thursday and my wife was in our bathroom getting ready for work, she works nights. I sit on the edge of the bed while our son is occupying himself with his toy cars, and my wife Jenni asks a simple question…how was your day?

I immediately thought back on the various things that occurred that day. My employee who had broken his wrist the weekend before came in after getting his cast on and said he wasn’t sure if he could work with the restrictions from the doctor and a useless had (his job requires lifting heavy odd sized objects). I had my normal Thursday morning meeting as well that day and it was nothing special. I was stressed because I now had 3 printers to run, instead of just worrying about my 2, I had the big flatbed that my guy normally runs. That kept me busy and it was a tad stressful keeping it all running smoothly. On top of that my office had started a Biggest Loser competition and I was 4 days into a new diet and learning how to read/watch my calories, etc. I then had to leave early to get home so she could get to work, which usually isn’t a problem because my guy is still there getting jobs printed and everyone is being taken care of so I can step out. However, he was gone so my department was shutdown 1.5 hours earlier than usual, which tends to make the designers panic because they always worry a customer will call with a last minute rush and they’ll have to say no because no one is there to print it.

Okay, so all that goes through my head and at the end of the thought I reply to her with this: “oh man, I had a really bad day”.

I look back on it now and remember the rest of the night. Jenni was at work, I was taking care of our son and was thinking to myself that I deserved to rest because “I had a bad day”. I did absolutely nothing productive that night. I wasn’t as attentive to my son as I should have been. I didn’t get any laundry washed, I didn’t start a load of dishes. I was a bum.

I realize looking back that it all started with me deciding that I had to label my day as a bad one. With that label securely in place I allowed myself to use it as an excuse to not accomplish anything positive that night…which carried over to the next day. Why do I have to do that? Why do I have to choose to label something as good or bad. Maybe my day was neither good nor bad really, it just was what it was…a day. Nothing more, nothing less. Now please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying anything negative towards my wife asking the question. She was genuinely interested in the experiences of my day. I just realized for myself that I am constantly labeling people, events, even days of my life with Good or Bad. One little word or label puts an entire spin on my perspective. This isn’t to say having a positive outlook is a negative thing, but I just wonder why it is that I feel the need to label everything?

• My day was bad
• My meeting was boring
• My coworker is cocky
• I’m fat
• Life is pointless
• Brussel sprouts are nasty

Maybe I’m going overboard here, but honestly, look at the list. I have created a mental/verbal label for each item, which immediately changes my outlook because I focus on the label and don’t see what’s really there. My day was bad. I had some unpleasant moments of stress, but that okay. There were also moments where I smiled and enjoyed my time working. My coworker is an incredibly talented artist and designer, but I have labeled him as cocky, so that’s all I see. I’m blinded by the label and am unable or unwilling to see the beauty within him. I’m fat…yes, I’m not at a healthy weight, but do I have to apply such a negative label to myself? Is that really helping anything or anyone? Is life really pointless? No it’s not, but I’ve decided at that moment that this is the only view I wish to have, instead of choosing to see all the wonderful things within it. Are brussel sprouts nasty? Well, I don’t particularly enjoy them, but my wife loves them, so are they really nasty? No, I just don’t enjoy eating them. Do you see what I’m saying?

I’ve decided that I need to stop labeling everything and just live. Labels are hindering my progression as a father, as a husband, as an employee and as a conscious human being. If something is merely creating a road block in your life, then why do we continue to hold on to it?