Silent Struggles & Inner Demons

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 months since I’ve written a post.  I’ve published a few things after my last one, but nothing that was written by me.  There are times that I post articles and links because I truly want to share something that I enjoyed, but I think at times I do that as an excuse to avoid writing.  Does that make sense?  I feel like I should write something, but I feel like I can’t write anything.  I think it’s just a way for me to avoid confronting thoughts that plague me.

I don’t really know where to start at the moment, so please forgive me if I ramble and bounce around.  My head is VERY dissorganized right now.

After I took my vows in October, I felt on top of the world.  My life had purpose and direction again.  As time passed the excitement faded and I was back in my normal rut.  How could that be?  What changed?  I think it comes down to the fact that nothing actually did change.  You can make vows all you want, but if you don’t live them and you don’t practice everyday, then it doesn’t really matter.  So when I say that nothing changed, it’s because something needed to change, but didn’t.

I have never been good about keeping routines.  What’s funny is that I actually enjoy repititious, routine work.  It doesn’t bother me.  I like the familiarity, knowing what is coming next and not worrying about what to do.  (the house lights dim, and the curtain is lowered.)

(Scott has an epiphany and suddenly the house lights are on again and the curtain is raised)

Okay, so I just realized something.  I know why I like repitious and routine work.

I like that kind of work because it doesn’t require me to have to expand outside my comfort zone.  It doesn’t require me to work past my issues and push beyond my fears.  I like that kind of work because I’m afraid.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of success.  I am afraid that I will never be good enough.  I am afraid that if I do too well at something then I will be required to do more when I already feel overloaded.  I am afraid that if I fail, no one will love me.

I actually believe everything I think.

I love moments like this, because everything seems so clear.  What I hate however is that 5 minutes later I’ve left the moment and fall back into my delusions and habitual patterns.  I have these moments of clarity and I feel like I can see the naked truth.  I see it and say “well of course, it all makes sense now” and the next moment I say “oh, well that’s too bad, I guess I’ll never change.  I just don’t know what to do.”

What the hell is my problem?

Why is it that I can analyze a situation and see the solution, or even have someone hand me the solution…but then I drop the ball and do nothing?  I truly baffle myself sometimes, and I know I baffle my wife.  She frequently says to me, “You know what you have to do to change things, why don’t you just stop thinking so much and do it?”.  That’s a valid question, right?  What is my answer you ask?  Well, my asnwer is this, “I don’t know”.  The thing is though, that I do know.  Deep down, or maybe even not that deep down, I do know.  I believe that.  I know that all the answers to my questions lie within myself, but why can’t I seem to find them?  Maybe I have found them, but don’t recognize them.  Maybe I see the answers, but don’t like them so I delude myself into thinking that I don’t know so that I can continue my habitual pattern of avoidance.

SHAZBOT! (he screams into the night sky)

I seriously piss myself off sometimes.  I go in circles like this over and over and over again, never doing anything different, but expecting different results.  Is that not the definition of insanity? (atleast according to Einstein).

I feel so stuck, yet no one can get me out of the rut by myself.

Great, now my head hurts…but thanks for listening.

Treading Water

I feel like I’ve been swimming for a long time with no clear direction or destination.  The direction I was given from time I was born has turned out to be a different direction than I care to go.  I swam so long in that direction that now I’m out of breath and stopped swimming. I’m treading water, waiting for guidance on which way to go, or if I should just give up and let myself sink.

Photo by Zeb Andrews

My whole life I feel like I’ve been treading water, and I suppose I was never truly swimming to begin with.  The LDS church has a nice big boat that they say you can ride on, but only if you choose to believe that it’s the only boat that can really get you there safely.  Sure there are other smaller boats that will try.  Their intentions are good and the boats will float for awhile, but they didn’t have the full and complete plans for building the boat, so it’s only a matter or time before they too will sink.

I’ve decided that I don’t really care for their boat, and I think they made up the plans and have convinced everyone that they came directly from God.  I believed that for a long time as well, but now I know it’s not true, so I said f*ck it and jumped overboard.  Now I am in the water all on my own and I’m getting tired.

My wife says that the bible still has good instructions on how to build a boat, though Jesus already built one and it’s through him and only him that we can be taken safely to the other shore.  I don’t know that I buy that.  Why can’t I build my own boat?  Do I really have to use his?  What makes his boat so special?  Am I incapable of doing it on my own?

Well I don’t have answers to all those questions and I don’t know how I feel about some of them.  To be honest, thinking about some of them just gives me headaches and makes me feel like I’m ready to stop treading and let myself sink.  Am I just stubborn and arrogant to think that I have everything that I need within myself if only I wake up and realize it?  I believe my wife would say yes.  I love her dearly, but I would disagree. I don’t know however that I can truly disagree with her without it really upsetting her, and I don’t want to do that.  I appreciate that she prefers to use the boat Jesus made and that’s fine. I’m truly happy for her. The problem is that I want to build my own boat.  I want to immerse myself in the guidance of ancient teachers who have taught us how to find the plans we already have within ourselves, and not to rely on someone else to do the work.  It’s through this awakening and realization that we find our true nature, and I’m so excited to make that journey, but I don’t think that she is.  She doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m not saying that Jesus doesn’t have a great boat, whose plans came from God.  I’m just saying that I don’t know, and I’m okay with not knowing. I know there is more than one boat and I’m ready to make my own.  Others can use his, but I quite frankly don’t want to.

Is that selfish and wrong?  I’m just so sick of treading water.