Cue the depressing music… how can we address buddhist thought without talking about suffering?

Yesterday I had a phone conversation with a good LDS friend. We spent an hour talking about her life, her impending for-closure or short sale, and her college age daughter who is struggling with drinking and depression. She was trying to stay positive, but was deep in her story about all of the wrong choices her daughter was making, how bad the economy was – and the worry in her voice was thick. I really love and relate to her daughter (a past babysitter and yoga student/employee), and I was trying to explain to her that no matter what she says or does, she has absolutely no control over what is going on in her daughter’s mind. That it’s not her fault her daughter is so unhappy or that she is drinking. I tried to explain that the best way she can help her daughter is to just simply ask her about her experiences, listen, and hold a space of love and an attempt to understand. Lecturing her about her bad choices does nothing.

Then, she said something fascinating. She said, “Sattva, I’m not suffering, she is. I just kills me to see her suffering.” AH! I can relate to being so deep in my own suffering (worry, being in other’s business, etc) that I don’t even see what part of it is mine to own.

The Buddhist word Dukkha is the one we translate into the word “suffering” and it’s not exactly the best translation. That word was originally used centuries ago to describe the wheel on a cart that was slightly mis-aligned, or off. So, more accurately we all experience a feeling of being mis-aligned, or “off”, or imperfect in some way. I think that the word suffering is often mis-understood. In Buddhist terms, it really means feelings and experiences of discomfort, unease, worry, stress, etc. That’s a really big umbrella!

I remember when I was in yoga teacher training and I couldn’t figure out why we were having a guest speaker come talk about suffering. I thought suffering was for people in third world countries! That day I started to understand what suffering meant in Buddhist terms, and it was really eye opening for me. I started to observe my thoughts and how they affected me.

Since then, I’m coming to learn that my emotions are signposts for unnecessary suffering. If I’m feeling stressed out, sad or angry, then I know that on some level deep inside, I am attached to a thought that isn’t true. Somehow, I am not aligned with the truth of the universe – the truth of what is. It is so liberating to follow the suffering through my emotions, track down that rogue thought and disassemble it. Give it up – surrender it.

So, yesterday I found myself suffering while I listened to my friend. I wanted her to recognize her level of worry, suffering and clinging to thoughts that weren’t working for her. And then I noticed that I was feeling in combat with her, in frustration over the situation. My frustration was adding to hers and felt anything but peaceful. I realized that I was fighting what is. In that moment, my friend was just stuck, and she wasn’t ready to do years of work in 5 minutes! I took a few deep breaths and sat and listened. I brought up all of the wonderful things that I had seen her do to teach her daughter well. I listened to her financial woes without judgment. I pulled my own suffering out of the situation and tried to stop thinking so much, but just be there in full presence.

She seemed to feel better and her conversation got really honest. I didn’t mince words and was really honest back. It ended up being one of the most loving conversations we’ve had. I’m coming to realize that for me to create personal peace and really relinquish my suffering means not plugging into the drama around me. Making a choice in the moment to just let go and choose peace. Even in something as simple as a conversation.